goodbye sugargirl

sometimes my spam comments are amusing, like one i deleted just now that simply said “Can you cry underwater?”.  most of the time they are boring but every now and then i get a gem like that. it amuses me.

i feel like i should be writing but nothing will settle firmly on the page.  this happens to me a lot. i hate it. it is worse than writers block. i have all these words floating around in my head and they want to spill over and away from me but they are trapped until i can figure out how to put them down in the right order. i started to try but it wasn’t time, they weren’t ready or i wasn’t ready or something.  see, when i write i don’t put the words down and then worry over them until they are right. i work them over in my head and then just when it is most inconvenient they fall into place and i have to try and hold them all together until i can get to my computer or pen and paper to put them down. sometimes i get lucky and something suddenly comes to me when it is perfectly convenient and tada! a poem happens right before my eyes without any revising until i’ve had someone else look it over and offer suggestions or opinions. this is how i used to write for my classes when i was in school, at the last minute i would sit down and write a 5 page paper and would luckily get great grades. maybe i’m one of those “better under pressure” types. anyway, i’m feeling uneasy at the moment because i have words troubling me and i want them out but they don’t seem to be ready.

i also miss taking pictures and i hope with the warming weather that spring is on the way and i will find myself out with my camera. maybe i’m feeling creatively stifled or maybe i’m just reacting to the change in weather in general. my uneasiness could be due to a lot of things i suppose. my state tax refund is pending review until June which leaves me worried about money. i’m not celebrating my birthday but its still happening and i’m still getting older.  i still don’t have a new shrink and have not gotten my new insurance card in the mail. i’m anxious about my new dreads and really just wish they would show up already because i want to dye my hair and cover up all these grey hairs i have and get my dreads in. for some reason my hair affects my mood more than it should.  i think it has to do with my self image issues, when i don’t like how i look it adds to my overall unhappiness and uneasiness and emotional discomfort.

i’m doing my best to deal with all this and hopefully getting it all out will help a bit.  things aren’t bad i’m just uneasy and anxious. i’m sure it will pass.

Empty Dreams

do you sleep on empty dreams,

wondering what could be?

well leave those dreams,

we will never be.

fill your nights and days

in all the ways you used to be

and all the things you used to know,

with all your ways and means.

filling up on empty dreams

will not fill the void

i never filled the emptiness

i was merely a pastime to fill

the days and nights for a short time

fill your nights and days

in all the ways you used to be

and all the things you used to know,

with all your ways and means.

my single serving life

has made room for two

my lonely days and nights no longer

so full of sadness and anger

so if you sleep on empty dreams,

wondering what could be

leave those dreams,

we will never be.

by:

jennifer potter

i’m eagerly awaiting the direct deposit of my state tax refund and it appears to be late. i’m worried and annoyed. i would only be annoyed but now that i have a speeding ticket to pay in less than 10 days i am worried. i have to wait another hour and a half before i can call my tax lady to find out what is going on.

also, my boyfriend bought me a birthday present before finding out that i didn’t want to celebrate my birthday this year. he let me have it when it arrived in the mail yesterday. he said it was because i didn’t want to celebrate my b-day but i think it was partly because he couldn’t wait to give it to me. he often has trouble waiting to give me things which is terribly adorable. it was a fabulous gift. it was a first edition copy of Death and Taxes by Dorothy Parker, my favorite poet, a lady i admire very much. i was so pleased. it is dedicated to Mr. Benchley which tickled me to no end. now i have 2 first editions by her. the other one, Enough Rope was given to me as a Yule gift from my dear friend Kayla who also adores Mrs. Parker, i would not have blamed her for keeping it for herself but she gave it to me so i treasure it even more.  for some reason i have a thing with collecting first editions of my favorite authors. My Anne Rice collection is almost complete and now i have a good start on my Dorothy Parker one and that is saying something for books published in the 20’s and 30’s. so thank you Kayla and Chris. i <3 you both.

today got off to a bad start with a speeding ticket this morning after dropping Miss Mary off for school but luckily it looks like it won’t cost nearly as much as i feared it would. i won’t know the exact amount for sure when i call but from looking at the website it will be one of two amounts both of which being affordable considering my state refund is due to be deposited into my bank account this friday.

yesterday i was all kinds of productive. i made a new website for my photography. it still needs some work because the portfolio section is not very user friendly and needs “back” buttons to make navigation easier but if you have the time to deal with it you can see my new portfolio here…  aside from the portfolio issues i really like how it looks.  i’ve been really wanting a nice flash site type gallery for showing off my work so i’m quite pleased.  it should also be really easy to go in and add photos which is also nice. i don’t know when i’ll be able to really get back into doing more actual photography but at least now i have a good way to display my work.

other random things….

i am still anxiously awaiting my dreads and really sick of dealing with my hair as it is. grr.

going to the gym again today and i think we are going to have a trainer go through with us to amp up our workout since it’s been over a month now even if we haven’t been very good about going as often as we planned. i’m still proud of us cuz every week we keep trying to go the 3-4 days planned rather than just giving up when we miss a day or week due to illness or a spontaneous trip to Disney.

i am still waiting to hear back about whether or not i have a new shrink. i wish i had more than 3 to choose from but my insurance sucks so i’m working with what i have.

i had a lot of trouble getting to sleep last night and i’m worried it is due to my newest medication. well that and the ice queen lowering the dosage of the medication that used to help me sleep. i’m going to be fighting the urge to nap from now on because i like sleeping at night and i hate nothing more than tossing and turning trying to sleep after being so tired all day. it just doesn’t make sense.

i decided where to get my fleur de lis tattoo and how i want it to look i just hope it is something the tattoo artist can do. i’ve been wanting to cover up my first tattoo, the heart with roses on my chest, for a very long time now and ever since i decided i wanted a fleur de lis i wanted to put it where that one is, right over my heart. so i’m thinking the fleur can cover the heart part of the tattoo and it can look like i a fleur with dark colored roses behind it. i also think this will look much better with my ankh when i get it because my ankh will be on my chest as well, all black just above my sternum, kind of where a necklace would be.  of course now i just need the money for these tattoos and i have decided they will be my next two projects, probably the ankh first because it will be cheapest.

i think that is all i have. nothing exciting going on in my little world.

an interesting thing happened to me last week. i went to see my shrink, the ice queen, because my anxiety medication has not been working and well to sum things up she basically dumped me. so now i have to find a new one which is really fine by me. i expect there will be big changes in my medication which will likely not be easy or fun to deal with but will probably be better in the long run. i’d really like to be less medicated.  i will also be seeing a therapist FINALLY, once i get my new insurance card i can schedule my first appt. and this will help things a lot. medication alone is not enough for the issues i have.

aside from dealing with medication issues and trying to get back into going to the gym 3 times a week like i’m supposed to things are going well in my little world.

my birthday is coming soon and i do not want to have anything to do with it this year and would appreciate no mention of it. please.  i can’t explain and don’t want to so please just ignore it because that is what i intend to do.

i’m really looking forward to my new dread extensions arriving and will be super excited to have them put in. they are going to be so much better than the last ones. they will be better quality and longer and i will probably post tons of great pics of them.

i’m also really hoping i can afford to finally get my ankh tattoo that i have been wanting for so very long now.  i really need to be careful and budget my state tax return though and might not be able to do it but i really hope so. then i will take a break from ink for awhile.  my next tattoo will have to wait because it will be a bit bigger because it will be my new Mary tattoo to make up for the old crappy one i had covered up. it’s going to be beautiful when i get it done though.  i have other ideas in the works but soon i will run out of skin i swear. i still haven’t decided where to put my fleur de lis because i don’t think it will work to cover the one i wanted it to cover originally.

well it’s time to get ready for the gym.

So i can finally post about my awesome first trip to Disney World. i didn’t want to post about it until i had pictures because you all know how i am about posting pics.

my dear friend Peanut, aka Carolyn, kindly took me with her on her annual getaway to Florida this year and treated me to my first trip to the magical world of Disney. we drove down and on our way made a little side trip to visit Pinky aka Juggs aka Michele.  we came to hate TN because of how much driving we had to do there and the insane amount of stoplights while in such a hurry to see our awesome friend. it was great to see her and we got to meet her new beau and visit with her a bit and that was awesome.

Peanut and i discovered we enjoyed traveling together and we had lots of fun on our trip. it was a lot of driving and we only spent 2 actual days in Florida but we still had fun. my favorite quote of the trip, as we were just pulling into my apartments at the end of our journey, “we drove all the way to Florida and back, and we’re still friends!”

i loved Disney! we went to the Magical Kingdom the first day and it soon started raining which wasn’t too bad at first but soon got a bit chilly. we managed to do all the things we wanted to though and had a lot of fun.

the second day we went to Epcot and were better dressed for the chilly weather. i loved the rides and felt like a little kid saying “again! again!” at the end of a couple so we rode Fast Track and Soarin twice.

i would go into more detail but really all that matters is that my friend is totally awesome and showed me a truly spectacular time and i’m super gratful.

now on to the pictures!

Me and Peanut

The Parade

Peanut took a lot of pictures of me because it was my first time at Disney World.

Me and the Indian

me being silly

3D glasses, oh so fashionable

Shark Attack!!

one last pic…

Cool car we spotted on our way home

I might make another picture post but those are the pics i’ve edited so far. we have lots of silly pictures of us driving in the car making silly faces and such. it was really tons of fun and i think just what both of us needed.

thanks Peanut!!

my newest tattoo. i love it and cannot stop looking at it.

things are going well in my strange little world.

my birds are chirping happily to the music playing from my fresh new laptop and soon i’ll be getting ready to go visit my dear friend Kayla. i haven’t seen her in ages and i can’t wait.

i got Mary an ipod touch and thoroughly enjoyed her reaction. i just love it when she screams, jumps and squeals with delight before hugging me tightly thanking me when i get her something awesome that she has been just dying for. it just makes my day.

after her lovely choir concert her and Chris played with their gadgets and compared apps and Artemis, Mary’s cat who used to never come around Chris came out and climbed all over him for pets. it was just a perfect evening. everything is beautiful.

last week my awesome friend Carolyn took me to Disney world and i should have the pictures tomorrow so i will be posting all about that soon. it was a really great trip.

this is my life.

i got this.

yes i do.

i just don’t know what to do

with all this stuff

leaking from my eyes

my hands are confused

unsure what to hold onto

my legs are restless

not sure where to run to

my body just does not know

what to do without you.

By:

Jennifer ann potter

so those things i had to think about have happened.

Chris and i are working on a fresh start. we’ve been talking for awhile and we decided to get together and things went really well and we realized how much we missed each other and well we’re back together.

some people are not pleased.

some people are supportive.

we are just doing what makes us happy and hoping that it works out. if it does, great. if it doesn’t then it doesn’t.

we are aware that this seems rather sudden and unexpected, but that’s just how it seems. we didn’t know how things were going to go, we didn’t know things would happen so quickly, but we are happy together and happy about trying again and hoping things work out this time. things are very different this time around.

so there it is.

to those of you being supportive, thank you. it is greatly appreciated.