goodbye sugargirl

so those things i had to think about have happened.

Chris and i are working on a fresh start. we’ve been talking for awhile and we decided to get together and things went really well and we realized how much we missed each other and well we’re back together.

some people are not pleased.

some people are supportive.

we are just doing what makes us happy and hoping that it works out. if it does, great. if it doesn’t then it doesn’t.

we are aware that this seems rather sudden and unexpected, but that’s just how it seems. we didn’t know how things were going to go, we didn’t know things would happen so quickly, but we are happy together and happy about trying again and hoping things work out this time. things are very different this time around.

so there it is.

to those of you being supportive, thank you. it is greatly appreciated.

i quit smoking again.  i miss it. i wonder how long it will last this time. so far it’s been a few days. i’ve cheated a little but overall i’m doing well.

i had a fun NYE.  it was a double celebration, happy birthday to a couple friends and ringing in the new year at the same time. it was good times.

now with the holidaze behind us it’s time for life to get back to normal. Mary is going to have guitar lessons every week and i’ve got to work on getting out of the apartment more.  Mary also has to work on getting a couple of her grades up so she doesn’t get her phone taken away again. she is currently without her phone for two weeks and suffering greatly i’m sure.  i imagine she is already going through texting withdrawal.

i’m really just hoping 2010 is kinder to me than 2009.  last year was a crazy year for me, i’d like this year to be less so.

i hope everyone had a good holiday. though there is still more celebrating ahead with the big NYE bash looming over us.  i’m trying to be optimistic about 2010 because 2009 was pretty much full of suck and fail.  the next year has to be better, right?

anyway, xmas was well good. Mary liked her gifts and we had tacos for dinner because that’s what Miss Mary likes. Kel came to hang out with us on xmas eve. I always let Mary open one gift on xmas eve and i let her open her gift from Juggs which was a Twilight board game.  she was pretty excited. the three of us played and Santa Kel won. it was all quite hilarious and the game was rather complicated but we managed to eventually figure it out.

on xmas day Mary and i went to have dinner with her great grandparents and they stuffed us full of food and we had a nice relaxing day.

oh, and i have pictures.

one of my favorite movies from Santa Kel

Avril DVD for Mary to rock out to from Santa Kel

Mary's new Twilight game from Juggs

Santa Kel is the big winner!!

this next picture that i have to post because of what Mary said when she saw it…

"My retards!!!"

i got her a cool frame and put pictures of her friends in it and that was her response. priceless.

all in all we had a good xmas. Mary was understanding about not getting as much as she usually does. she seemed rather happy with what she did get and was texting her friends right away about stuff.

i’m ready for winter to be over.

i’m ready for change.

i need to change.

yup, christmas is closed. i took down all the lights and the tree and all the xmas cards. it hit me hard and i couldn’t take it anymore. so here in our home christmas is officially closed. i had a terrible time trying to get to sleep with Miss Mary listening to the radio play holiday songs all night, it was pretty awful. i could have said something but i didn’t want to ruin her good time.

on  a happier note, thanks to Juggs and Kel for the presents, i wasn’t expecting any and they were awesome.

anyway, the apartment is back to normal and i like it this way.

now i just have to get through the rest of the holiday season. i keep telling myself next year will be better.

my hair is black again.

i’m tired of being medicated but i’m terrified of what would happen if i weren’t.  so this is my life, for now.

i want the holidays to be over and done with except that i am looking forward to some things. overall though i’m ready to take down the tree and be done.

i need to make big changes in my life, but it’s scary. i have to do it though.  i’m building up to it. by the end of January i want things in my life to be very different than they are now. i don’t want to be doing what i’m doing now.  i want things to be different.  i’m going to take baby steps. if that doesn’t work i’m going to run.

i miss my dreads. if my tax refund isn’t snagged by the people wanting money for my student loans i’m going to buy new extensions (i can’t find my old ones) and find someone to put them in.  assuming i get a decent refund and have money for something fun after paying off debts and getting a car.

i’m tired of winter already. i want to get the bikes fixed and go riding with Mary.

i still have these things running around in my head.

hope everyone has a lovely holiday and a safe one.

i’m feeling like a stranger in a strange land today.  i have things rolling around in my head that i can’t talk about and even if i could i’m not sure what i would say.  these things.

i have a lot of thinking to do and i need to really take time for real true healing.  i need to find myself beyond going back to black.  all that will do is help me recognize the person i see in the mirror, and even then i will still be seeing an older version of what i feel like.  that’s what i see in the mirror. me, only old and worn out.  it depresses me and worries me.  i wish i could see what other people seem to see because it sounds like they see someone better, someone i would like to be.

yeah, things in my head and in my world are strange right at this very moment. the music is loud and the right songs keep playing and i keep having these little moments of contentment.

but i have things i need to think about.

i wrote this a LONG time ago it seems now…

here i am flaws and all…
i’m forgetful, moody, sometimes bitchy, messy, sometimes lazy, whiny, bad with money, i like to smoke cloves, i like to drink and dance until all hours of the night, i don’t always want to cook or eat a proper meal, i get bored with tv, i am easily distracted by things on the internet and sometimes don’t hear people when they talk to me, i don’t like going to the store everyday, i hate Iron maiden, ICP, motorhead and other bands like them, i hate painting shows no matter how cool you think Bob Ross was, i talk too much, i’m self centered and sometimes selfish and have to remind myself to stop complaining about my day and ask how someone else’s was, i make assumptions about what people are thinking because i am always paranoid that they might be mad at me, sometimes i snore, i steal the covers cuz they stick to me when i toss and turn, i apparently don’t know how to use a shopping cart properly, i walk too slow or too fast, i cut vegetables wrong, i don’t like water chestnuts or coconut, i tend to not let things drop when i feel like no resolution has occurred and apparently that is annoying, i need lots of compliments and reassurance that i am pretty because i honestly feel hideous most of the time, i’m overly sensitive and my feelings are easily hurt, i talk on the phone too much, i take on too many “projects” and get overwhelmed, i am sometimes easily frustrated, i don’t save my work fast enough, i’m a messy eater, i’m apparently incapable of properly adjusting the water for the shower, i don’t pay close enough attention to the birds’ food and water cuz i’ve gotten used to chris doing it, i’m a slow reader, i’m too nice when i’m driving, i’m short so i’m told, i’m not as educated as i should be, i suppose i could keep going but you get the idea.

i wrote all of that in response to my marriage and how unhappy i was with it.  i’m reposting it here because i think it needs reminding.  I need reminding that i’m not perfect and it’s still OK for me to not be perfect.  there was a lot more to the post on LJ but this bit was me stating who I am and it’s still pretty fucking accurate.  i’m still not fucking perfect.

what is bothering me now is that i’m away from the person that i thought was making me so unhappy and i’m still really unhappy.  i’m realizing and accepting and taking responsibility for the problems in our marriage that i had a hand in.  i’m internally fessing up about why i cried on our 4 year wedding anniversary, when i all but ran out of that courtroom.

The butterfly died in her cocoon, she never emerged

This girl fell asleep and never emerged

From her dreams

This girl tripped on the cracks of

Memory and fell backwards

This girl will always be

That girl

that was supposed to be a poem but i just don’t have it in me. i’m just a wreck and crying all over the place. i can’t remember if i took my meds this morning so today might be an interesting day.

i’m going to dye my hair black and probably leave it that way for good. i’m just not that girl anymore. i don’t know when i’ll have the energy or the money to buy a box of dye but eventually i’ll have my black hair back and that is how it will stay. no more trying to find who i am. i figured it out, several months too late but i figured it out. now i have to figure out how to live with myself.

this is my life.

this girl is tired of crying. not just because its getting old it’s been going on like this for days.

this girl is tired of crying because it hurts my stomach.

and because i can’t fix the thing making me cry.

and because my tears burn and i don’t know why. they burn and sting even when i’m not wearing any make up.  it adds injury to injured heart.

Pronouns aren’t we all

You will keep seeping in

into my thoughts, into my life

like a beggar, like a thief

stealing my comfort

begging for my peace of mind

He will be there to love me

lay beside me to help me

forget You and Him and all the

He’s before you

and He will be there too

a friend indeed

and only sometimes

a friend in need.

They will talk, oh They will

always talk, it’s what

They do

She will give me advice

and She will make me laugh

Her distance will make me cry

She will be there every time

every single time I need Her

and I will do my best

to be there for Her

I will chase Him away

the best I can

every Him that comes

creeping unwanted

but You.

You are the one.

You haunt me like a damned soul

Who cannot rest.

I fight and fight.

with my army of pronouns

by my side.

by:

jennifer ann potter