goodbye sugargirl

i’m thinking i might be done blogging. here at least. i don’t plan to get rid of my LiveJournal account.

maybe its just a phase i’m not sure but i just don’t feel like my boring little life is worth reading about and if i really feel the need to blog anything i have my LJ. i also kind of worry about who actually reads my blog because i get very few comments so i wonder who is just lurking here but not making themselves known. some people comment on my blog on my FB but it is just starting to creep me out having such a public blog so i’m thinking it is time to make my blogging more private if i ever blog at all.

i’m going to spend the day snagging all my pics just to make sure i have them all and then i have to find out how to make my blog go away. i’m actually debating not renewing my website but i might regret that later.

maybe i will just have to leave everything as is and maybe i’ll change my mind and come back and decide i want to start blogging again. who knows.

so i gotta really quit smoking this time. no cheating. no cloves. i’m already freaking out. there is no such thing as a good time for me to quit smoking. this is an especially bad time but i gotta do it. it sucks like nothing has ever sucked before.

tomorrow i have to take the car which will also suck. i have to see my family dr about my thyroid and my cholesterol. he’s most likely going to increase my thyroid medication, which is fine, but he’s also probably going to try and put me on medication to lower my cholesterol which me and my dr. that controls my psych meds have decided is a bad idea at this point. her name is Sue and she discovered that one of my psych meds is most likely the reason for my seriously high cholesterol and together we decided that i should go off that medication and switch to something else that is not known to have that side effect and see if my cholesterol will come down on its own because the meds that are commonly prescribed to lower cholesterol come with all kinds of nasty side effects.  so i have to explain all this to my family dr tomorrow and hope he doesn’t give me a hard time about it.

the other appt i have tomorrow is with my therapist which is fine because i’m a fucking wreck. i’ve been super depressed and for once i know why. being a mother has been very hard lately. Mary has been away with friends a lot lately and i’ve been missing her terribly. i’ve been feeling like she hates me and is just done with me and i failed as a mother but she sent me a short but sweet email which helped a little but i still miss her and i’m still depressed. i think part of the problem is that i’m weening off one of my meds because that’s when i really started having issues. the same thing happened the last time a dr lowered the dosage of this particular medication. it’s only going to get worse because in a couple days the dose is going to go down again for a week and then down again for another week and then i’ll be off it and on a whole new medication and then who knows what that will do to me.

basically i hate being me right now and i’m beyond overwhelmed. like i said, no such thing as a good time to quit smoking but right now is the way wrong time. i don’t know how i’m going to do it.

fuck.

Take heart, sweetheart
take mine,
I’ve tried to mend the jagged cracks,
from all the times I was too slow,
to stop it from falling,
but take heart, dear heart,
sweet pea,
sweet girl,
here’s mine for you,
the edges do meet and join together
and repair and mend,
when you give your heart
totally,
completely,
unconditionally,
with the knowledge that
this time,
it will not be carelessly tossed aside
smashed on the cold floor
of rejection and expectation.
Take heart,
my heart,
sweetheart,
dear child,
My daughter.

i’ve been away from the internet for so long i came to a point on Facebook where it just wouldn’t let me go back any more.  i hope i didn’t miss too many birthdays, FB is my birthday reminder, otherwise i’d be lost and would forget so many birthdays.

the main reason i was away for so long is because Chris was on vacation and i just don’t tend to get on the computer much when he is home.   whenever i did think about it and want to, well, Mary was using the darn thing.

while he was on his vacation his Mom came up from Miami to visit and we all had a nice time hanging out and hitting all her favorite restaurants and such. One place we went to was Joe’s Gizzard City. i actually ate fried gizzards and didn’t hate them. i only ate a couple though. i don’t think i would eat them anywhere else except that one place. i only ate half of my burger so i would have room for the yummy fried desserts that Chris had been telling me all about, and they were all very yummy.

on the 4th we all went to see the fireworks show at the Meridian Mall, Peanut even met up with us there and Mary was there with her friend but wasn’t far from where we were watching. Peanut bought some fireworks to set off while we waited for the big ones so we weren’t too bored. it was a really good show this year. the best i’ve seen i think actually.

anyway, on Thursday Sue had to leave and later that day we took care of some things and then went to Portland to visit with more family. then we came home and on Chris’s birthday we got some wine, had a nice steak dinner and watched old movies and then drank some more wine.

i guess i’ll have to post more later because i’ve got to get in the shower because i might have company at any time now.

right about this time, 15 years ago today, i was in a doctors office being told that i would be giving birth to my baby later in the afternoon.  i was flooded with various emotions of course.  one of which being excitement. i was finally going to meet my baby!! i rushed off to tell Drew, who was obviously a bit confused by the whole situation. Everyone i explained it to was.

this is is how it went. i went in for a stress test because it seemed like the baby had stopped growing. after the test i took the results to my ob-gyn doctor who then decided that it was time for the baby to come out that day. he said he thought the baby was fine but that it wasn’t growing anymore. this is all i really remember now after all these years. i’ll come back to the rest of the delivery process later.

after i explained everything to Drew, who was helping some friends at some odd job, i think we finished up at the job, i was helping watch the kids. When we got home we finished getting the nursery ready and i made a ton of phone calls letting people know that the baby was going to be born. when i called my friend Mary she flat out told me i was doing it wrong and that she was supposed to get a frantic call from Drew saying that i was in labor. this is not how this is supposed to happen. it was hilarious.  i got a lot of confused reactions from people. i expected it. here is was calling people and saying “i’m having the baby at 4:30 today at Sparrow hospital”. of course i had to go through the whole explanation of the test they did and what the dr. said but every person was just as confused as the last.

so i went to the hospital and checked in at Labor/Delivery at 4:30 just like Dr. Alton told me to.  they got me all settle into a room. at this point they have no idea why the baby isn’t growing anymore, oh by the way we had no idea of the sex of the baby until she actually came out, anyway, they don’t know what’s going on so they do all the usual things they do for a normal delivery situation.  you know, ultrasound and all that. apparently i’m having contractions that are like 3 seconds apart and i can’t even feel them. it was so weird. they see that the baby is breech and tell me that i can’t give birth vaginally unless they can turn the baby around. so they explain this procedure called a version (sp) basically one doctor pushes the head the other doctor pushes the babies bottom and they literally try to turn the baby around. OMG i’ve never been in so much pain in my life. they told me to just try to breathe normally and that is what i focused on doing and when they finally gave up i just burst into tears from the pain. the doctors were so confused. they kept telling me it was not a big deal the baby would be just fine and i finally explained that i was just crying from the pain that i had been holding back the tears cuz i was focusing on breathing so they could turn the baby. they just looked at me like i was crazy and then said i could have told them to stop at anytime. once we got through that ordeal it was decided that i had to have a c-section. after all the explaining and prepping and every other little thing i was wheeled into the operating room with Drew by my side and before i know it it’s 6:45 pm and i hear a doctor say something like “we’ve got a butt” or something like that and then Miss Mary cries for the first time. I don’t remember for sure but i think Drew got to hold her first and then i think they sort of laid her down on my chest so i could sort of hold her.

she was the most beautiful baby girl. we didn’t know if we were having a girl or a boy so for names, i picked a girl name and Drew picked a boy name and we both had to like what the other picked. I picked Mary Michelle after my dear friends Mary Coscarelli and Michelle Brown. If she had been a boy her name would have been Caleb Micheal. it was really quite a trip not knowing anything until she was born. i was so happy to find that she was a girl. i think i knew all along she would be.

i still remember how tiny she was. she was 5lb. 15 oz. and only 18 1/4 inches long. after cutting me open to take her out the doctors discovered that i have bi-cornet (sp) uterus and that was why the baby stopped growing. she simply ran out of room. aside from a little bit of jaundice for a few days Mary was perfectly healthy and continued growing just fine.  she never even got sick until she was 8 months old.

Mary was such a good and happy baby. now she is so grown up. it’s so hard to  believe that she is 15 years old today. she isn’t the rotten teenager running wild that everyone jokingly warned me about when she was younger. she is still my baby, she is still a good girl and she seems pretty happy. sometimes she does act like a typical teenager and i feel like she hates me but luckily the last week hasn’t been like that. i hope i’ve been a good mother. i keep trying to be better. my little girl deserves it.

happy birthday Mary, mother loves you.

i survived the weekend. the birthday party was a great success. the weather wasn’t perfect but we got a pavilion and Chris got all the food cooked before the rain really hit and Mary and her friends didn’t seem to mind playing in the rain at all. Mary seemed to have a really great day and was really happy and that is all that matters to me.

Mary and i designed her birthday cake this year and it turned out beautifully. she was really super pleased with it…

i can hardly believe she is going to be 15 in just a couple of days. she has grown up so fast. in just a few short years she’ll be graduating from high school and i’ll be posting about her open house and she’ll be who knows what. hopefully going to college.  i’ve got a small college fund set up for her so she can at least go to community college.  at the moment she wants to be a photographer, but who knows what will happen between now and then.

anyway, i survived the weekend and now i have to get through the worst part of quitting smoking. the first week. i smoked my last clove this morning. i don’t know how i am going to survive this. i swear i’m going to go insane. i really would have liked a week to prepare myself but i got a weekend so i’ll just have to deal.

i forgot to weigh myself this morning but i’m hoping that i’ve lost a couple more pounds. my appetite has been a lot more under control since the recent changes in my medication so between that and working out i should be losing weight. i’m hoping to remember to step on the scale tomorrow.

that’s all i got for now. if you wanna see more pics from the party i made an album on my FB.

so i have to quit smoking again. Chris  just all of a sudden decided to quit this week and he buys the smokes so i don’t have much choice. i would have liked a little warning but he did the same thing he did last time which was pretty annoying. he is stressed out about money so i’m guessing that is why he quit and he has been really hard to be around all week. negativity is just oozing off of him no matter what i say or do.

i’m down to my last 7 smokes but i’m thinking i might buy myself a pack of cloves every now and then because i just didn’t get any warning and i’m really not sure if i can quit right now. at first he was saying that i didn’t have to quit and he would still buy me smokes but then when he got all extra grouchy and fessed up about being stressed about all the money we need to come up with in the coming months i said he might as well just save all the money he would normally spend on smokes and that should help, so i guess its my own fault that i won’t have any smokes.

so now i have to deal with not being able to smoke and somehow not ever show how much its bothering me. chris and his negative attitude  is too much i can’t add to it. he’s even gotten all up in my shit about the landscapers weed wacking our flowers and wants me to be all extra aggressive with the apartment management and he doesn’t seem to realize that i should probably keep a low profile since i have someone living with me that isn’t on the lease. i can’t say that out loud of course. he would just jump on that reason to be pissed. it is like he is just so angry this week that he is waiting for things to come his way that he can be angry about instead of just admitting that he just wants a fucking cigarette.

edit: so to be fair, Chris might be getting over the whole nicotine withdrawal. he seems to be in a better mood today, so far. i have no idea what kind of mood he’ll be in when he gets home after working all day though, but the fact that it is Friday should help.

i’m really sick of this apartment. i’m afraid to leave it but i’m sick of looking at it.  i wish i could at least move things around. i get this urge after awhile. i think it is the byproduct of my childhood. we moved constantly and we usually lived in the car. i always go through periods of restlessness. i don’t know how to stay put. usually rearranging the furniture would help a bit but that just isn’t an option and i remember how hard it was to talk Chris into it when we lived at the old apartment.  i’m just stuck and i hate it. maybe i should start sitting somewhere else and see if that helps. i feel like a crazy person. honestly though we really do need to move into a bigger place and we are stuck here because of my lease but i still feel like a loon because of how much this place bothers me. probably because i hate it but i’m afraid to go anywhere by myself.  i am a crazy person. i’ve got laundry to do and i’m dreading it because i have to leave the apartment to do it. sometimes it really sucks being me.

yeah i’m whining.

i will get my laundry done. i just can’t be that pathetic. it’s just a short walk around to the side of the building.

i’m thinking of trying to fix one of my dresses that i got last year. the bottom of it is starting to tear off and it looks terrible so i’m hoping i can fix it. normally i don’t mind a rip or tear here and there but this looks really bad so i’m hoping i can sew it back up and have an extra dress to wear.  i’m thinking i should do that before i start my laundry because i noticed when i tried to wear it last week it was somehow covered in cat hair. so i’d like to fix it then wash it.  i’m not great with a needle and thread but i’m going to at least try. if i can’t do it them i’ll just tear off the trim that is coming off and hope the dress still looks okay. i need cute dresses to hide under while i work on losing all this FAT i’ve got going on.

tomorrow i’ve got to get up early and go see the vampires so my doctors can re-check my bloodwork and see if my thyroid medication is doing its thing. luckily the place i go to is practically right across the street so Chris can drop me off on his way to work and i can just walk home when i’m done.  then i have to make an appt. to see my family dr. to discuss my blood work and see if they need to adjust things.

Miss Mary passed her credit recovery class and i’m very proud of her. now she will only have to retake one semester of Geometry next year. i’m glad she has it out of the way so soon so she can stop being so stressed out and start enjoying her summer.

i guess i better get to sewing that dress so i can get my laundry done. i’m already starting to get anxious.

today is Mary’s last day of school. next fall she will be a sophomore. i feel so old. i can hardly believe she is almost 15 years old. of course she definitely acts like she is 15. typical teenager for sure. she does a good job of making me think she hates me and spends plenty of time texting or at the mall. on the plus side i don’t have to get up and drive her to school in the morning anymore. i’m also hoping that since she will be around more we will get to spend more time together doing fun stuff and maybe i won’t feel so much like she hates me.  i don’t care how normal this is with her being a teenager and all, it still sucks.

my appt. went well yesterday. my new doctor, Sue, adjusted one my meds and took me off of one that has been causing me problems. She also gave me a lab slip to take with me when i see thee vampires for my blood work for my family doctor. apparently my blood work was supposed to be monitored the whole time i’ve been on one of my meds that i was put on last august. it is possible that this particular medication might have caused my cholesterol to go up so much. she was very surprised that none of the many doctors i’ve seen ever bothered to check my blood work since i have told them all that i am on this particular medication. so she gets brownie points right away for catching that. she also wrote me prescriptions for all my meds so that i didn’t run out of anything before my next appt with her and gave me plenty of my anxiety medication which was a huge relief.  i’m hoping that between the adjustments she has made and the expected increase that my family dr will make with my thyroid medication i should be able to start losing weight soon. i’ve also increased my cardio workout each day and plan to drag Mary out for walks now that she will be out of school and home with me more.

i’ve been drinking my coffee black for about a week now and it hasn’t been bothering me. i thought for sure i would miss my yummy flavored creamers but my determination to lose weight and cut out every little thing that is bad for me seems to outweigh my love of fancy creamer. i have slipped up a couple times and had a soda. i need to stop doing that.

that’s it. that’s all i got.

i still hate driving, just in case you were wondering.

i’ve got the car again because i see a new doctor today, the one who will be handling my medication.  i have no idea what to expect so i’m nervous and anxious as usual.

i’m also in a weird mood that i can’t explain. i’m feeling restless and tired all at the same time which just doesn’t make any sense to me at all. i would take my xanax but i have this thing about taking my anxiety medication when i have to drive. i’m afraid to so i just suffer. it sucks.

nothing else is really going on other than me being crazy, fat and tired all the time.

i am really annoyed with where we live and i’m so ready to move. i feel like the next few months are going to go by so slowly. we are stuck here until October. ugh.

yeah. nothing else to report. i’m in a weird place today.