goodbye sugargirl

There is a loud voice in my head telling me “You’re doing it wrong!”. My life has gone by so fast it seems. All the while I’ve been going back and forth between living in the past and looking toward the future. Never just living in the present. Because of this I have missed a lot. I’ve made mistakes that I seriously regret and now I’m here with what is left.

I’m going to do my best to put all that behind me. Obviously at my age I have to think about the future to some extent, that is just being responsible, but I’m going to spend more time living in the NOW. Honestly I have no idea where to begin. Nothing happens in my life unless it is something in the future that I am looking forward to.

I have to let the baby craziness stop. If it is going to happen then it will happen. Trying to find a way was just making me crazy for real. I’ll update the blog if there are new developments but for now I’m taking a break. It is just hurting my heart. Right now, it’s not happening.

My daughter is upset about something in her life and being dramatic and not eating dinner and not talking to me when she gets home and I need to deal with that. I respected the fact that she didn’t want to talk about it but shutting me out completely like it is my fault is unacceptable.  I’m her mother and I’m here for her. A week of drama queen antics is quite enough thank you. I’m also quite sure this all for my benefit only. She went off to hang out with her friends the other day, it’s just me she is being dramatic for. I suppose she really does believe it is all my fault. Which is utter bullshit. It’s just what happens in high school.

I’m not a perfect mother but I love that child more than she will ever comprehend, even when she has her own children she still won’t understand. That child is my whole world and I’m not going to let this last year of her childhood go by in a blur. I can’t afford to buy her a car and yeah I’m going to make her get a job but it’s all out of love and trying to be a better parent.

I just want to live my life better from now on. I want to be happy. Why do I feel like that is too much to ask?

I’m having a bad day.

I had trouble getting out of bed this morning. I finally did but I really didn’t want to. I felt I had nothing to get up for. Yeah I should do my laundry but I really don’t want to.

I’m obsessed. If you want to know what my current obsession is see my new blog http://adventuresinbabymakingnonotsex.wordpress.com/

It’s all there and at the moment it sucks big time. I’d get my hopes up and then it would all fall apart in no time flat. I don’t know how much more I can take. I don’t have the mental stability for this sort of thing. It is something I have been wanting for a really long time. Years in fact, and I mostly kept it to myself and pretended to be content with my life as it is, but I’m not. I feel an empty spot growing inside me and soon Mary will be leaving the house and that empty spot will just get bigger. She is already shutting me out, but it’s not her fault, that is just her way. I want her to be her own person, I raised her that way. I want her to keep being strong and tough so she can handle the harsh cold world we live in. I just sometimes wish she needed me, or wanted me. Like she did when she was younger. Sometimes I’m so here for her that I’m not here for myself. I’m just standing on the edge of a cliff waiting for her to need me all the time. All I know how to do is be her mother, it seems to be what defines me. I’ll always be doing this for her. No matter how big that empty spot gets I’ll keep waiting for her to need me, because I’m her mother and being here for her is all I know.

I’m lucky to have her and if she is the only child I get to have I will keep being the best mother I can be. I will just have to keep hoping she forgives me for not giving her the sibling she always wanted. She’d make a great big sister though. The best in fact.

On Sunday morning I got on an Amtrak train headed for Chicago and my adventure began. My train ride was mostly uneventful. About a half hour before arriving in Chicago my ipod died, which sucked big time. A good song was just starting. I hate when that happens.

Sarah arranged for her friend Quinn to be waiting for me with a sign at Union Station. I thought this was too cool cuz I was prepared to find my own way and also I’m a nobody, people don’t hold signs for me at airports and train stations. I got to Chicago a little early and Quinn was running  a little late because of the trains. It was all good. I found a coffee shop and waited outside for her. She showed up shortly and apparently I described myself almost exactly the same way Sarah had. Quinn was awesome and we immediately got along and talked the whole way to South Water Kitchen where Sarah had to work that day. We walked in the rain until finally struggling to hail a cab.

Finally Quinn was able to deliver me to my Sarah! Then the drinking started. This would be about 1pm. I had the best bloody mary ever with two pickle spears and a piece of cheese. It was brunch after all. I made sure to try and stay hydrated so I drank my water like a good girl. Then i had an Irish coffee with some Irish whiskey that I have forgotten the name of. I think it had a slight chocolatey taste to it though, it was perfect for an irish coffee. Quinn had a bloody mary too and then a mimosa mistake that was apparently too sweet. Despite Sarah being stuck working a good time was had until she was finally free and we took off and headed to Sarah’s place for champagne.

After drinking our champagne we walked for what seemed like a thousand blocks in search of cuban food. we finally found “Taste of Peru” where they had sweet fried plaintains, yuca fries, and beans. It was also ‘byob’ which I thought was the coolest thing ever. So while I ordered us food Sarah ran to a liquor store and got us what turned out to be a horrible bottle of Malbec. We drank it anyway. I don’t believe in wasting wine. More on that later. The food was great. Also Guy Feiri has been to the place so that was cool. We also tried the Inca Cola before we left. It was like a really tasty cream soda.

After the long walk back to Sarah’s place we started getting ready for our night out at Reggie’s Rock club to go see Swoon Method. We got all dressed up and I think we drank more wine but I can’t be sure. We met up with the awesome Quinn who lived just around the corner. The weather mostly cooperated with us the rest of my trip. Though Quinn and I didn’t really mind getting rained on when she picked me up from the train station. I was glad though to have the rain leave my pretty curls alone for the night. We took the train to club. The train was loud. This became a problem by the end of the night. My head does not like it when I have drinks and then subject myself to loud annoying noises. It says hey we are going to make you feel like shit and ruin your night. Boo Hiss!

The band was great. We had fun. I drank Guinness, apparently with gusto, and I danced and I met the band and got my picture taken with them and then off we went to dance at Neo. We took the train again and my head hurt and I kind of wanted to crawl into a hole and die but I was going to be tough a soldier through. I wanted to dance and I didn’t even feel very drunk my head just hurt from all the noise on the train. Finally we got off the train and we found some awesome graffiti and got a great picture. It is on my FB. I even made it my cover photo. Shortly after that all the alcohol I had consumed all day finally hit me. I proudly announced “I’m drunk!”. We walked forever, I swear, before we finally got to Neo and I went from drunk to done. I danced though. Then I couldn’t dance anymore and the night came to an end with me clutching my head and practically crawling across the dance floor, where I then  sucked down like 3 glasses of water because my mouth felt like a desert. Then my awesome friends helped me outside and we hailed a cab and away we went. No more trains that night for me. My head was trying to explode.

I had a rough night. Sarah fed me drugs and stuffed pizza and was ready to hold my hair. I survived. I woke up early feeling like death but eventually got back to sleep to wake up at a reasonable hour, actually woke up just in time for us to get around in time for the wine tasting.

We went to the Ritz Carlton for the wine tasting. I dressed nice enough but I felt like hoodlum walking in wearing my biker jacket. Thank goodness they had a coat check. Sarah reminded me how to properly “taste” wine. I think I held my glass the right way most of the time. I did not spit out any wine but a couple times I did dump some out but then I realized, I don’t waste wine. I drink it. This wine tasting was HUGE. There were over a 100 vendors there and tons of people. The food was good too, though really I was just interested in the mushroom risotto. I drank plenty of bottled water. We snagged 2 each on our way out just to be safe. I got to meet Sarah’s friends Ally and Mark but didn’t get to hang out with them much. They seemed really cool and we invited them to come to Chinatown with us but they couldn’t go. I met some of her other friends briefly, they were all really cool and friendly. One of them told us about the best place to eat in Chinatown, it did turn out to be the best food ever.

On to Chinatown, but first, time to be a tourist. We stopped at The Bean and the fountains nearby and took a ton of touristy pictures. It was great fun.

Then we got to Chinatown. We happened to get dropped off right near the restaurant that Sarah’s friend told us about but it did take us a minute to spot it. We took lots of touristy pictures in Chinatown. We ate at KenKee and it was Awesome. I wish I had the leftovers in front of me right now. Best crab rangoon I’ve ever had. We also had a bottle of wine. Of Course. I think I pretty much just drank wine the whole time I was there. We shopped and took pictures. It was great fun. I bought Mary a cute little lucky cat because she collects them. I got me and Sarah chinese zodiac necklaces because we had taken our pictures in front of the chinese zodiac statues near the restaurant. Later it was Sarah’s brilliant idea that we trade and wear each others zodiac. Sarah is so smart.

After Chinatown we went back to Sarah’s and had…yep…more wine. When Quinn got home from her date we went to her place and, guess what? We drank more wine. I don’t know if you can tell but us ladies, we like wine.

This brings me to my last day. We were all supposed to go dress shopping for Sarah who is getting married in August but this is what actually happened. Me, Sarah and Quinn take the train to Belmont and ate middle eastern food. Quinn goes home because she isn’t feeling well. Me and Sarah hit up The Alley and this is sheer hell for me. I’m in love with like everything in the store but have almost no money for shopping. Every dress I absolutely have to have is either $40 or $80. The Horror! I did buy a purse that I actually HAD to have. I’ve actually been purse shopping for awhile and this was about what I had been planning to spend and was exactly what I had been looking for.  I HAD to have it. I totally couldn’t afford it so I’m going to be broke for awhile but I have a new purse and that is what is important.

After The Alley we hit a store called Ragstock and Sarah bought me a cute skirt for $3. Then it was about time for Mark to be showing up with the igo car to take me to the train station. My trip was over.

My train ride home was just as uneventful as the one going there. We stopped a couple times for traffic and my ipod died even sooner than the first time. My train still arrived on time.

It really is impossible to not have fun with Sarah. Just sitting and drinking coffee with her, or drinking wine and listening to music, or wandering around the city and taking pictures. Whatever we were doing we were having fun. She was a great hostess and took awesome care of me while I was there. I feel so fortunate to have such awesome friends like her. I’m glad we finally got to hang out and have some quality time together to make up for all the time we never see each other.

Thank you Sarah for a great time!

I’m gladly helping out a friend who is starting a Publishing business. I have been busy. I have become a book Editor and tech geek all in the span of about two weeks. Today was a busy day. I just finally got my laundry in the washer and have to get it all taken care of before I go see my new shrink and most likely get started on Lithium. After the day I’m having my new dr will be seeing a side of me she has yet to see.

Last time she saw me she thought I looked terrible. “Did you sleep?” she asked all worried and freaked out. I’m awake today and in full energizer bunny mode. Of course that could change by the time I’ve carried two loads of laundry up a flight of stairs and put them away and sat waiting to see her. That has been par for the course these days. The coffee runs out and I start to fade.

I’m angry that I keep gaining weight. So far I have put on 10 pounds. Fuck that noise! That is all I have to say about that!

I’m still doing my best not to complain at home. My back hurts on occasion and I’m not sleeping great and I’ve been getting headaches and yesterday I hurt my ankle. I kept all this to myself as far as I know. No more whining from me. I hope my husband appreciates it. Luckily my ankle must have just been twisted because it was fine when I woke up. I just have bad ankles so this just happens to me, I usually just limp around for awhile and if it continues for more than a day I get out the ice pack and start treating it.

Today I do the laundry and see my dr and tomorrow I clean the house and then Saturday I pack for my trip on Sunday. I’m really looking forward to some time away and some qaulity time with my girl Sarah. I never get to see her and the last couple times I did things were crazy and it was so short. I can’t wait to hear all about her upcoming wedding plans. Good times ahead.

Soon I get new tattoos and I can’t wait for that either.

Also have a couple trips planned to go to Pinckney to see Kayla and for Wynwidyn Press and I’m looking forward to that.

Annnd we are going to see Gogol Bordello later in May.

So much to look forward to.

I complain too much. I’m going to stop. It is bad enough that I have wild mood swings all the time and Chris is always doing little things for me whether I ask him to or not. He shouldn’t have to listen to me complain.

So I have an appt to get my bad tooth looked at and maybe even yanked out. To make matters worse I also have an appt that day for my yearly violation. So that is two evil appts in one day. Poor planning on my part. Chris says I don’t need the missing time experience to get my tooth yanked so I’ll probably get it pulled that day and be in lots of pain but I won’t whine about it like I normally would. I promised no more whining about anything from now on. No more complaining from me. When something hurts I’ll just deal with it quietly on my own. I’ve done enough whining in my life. Time to put on my big girl panties and stop being such a big baby.

I got through yesterday without complaining about my headache or my sore back. I did mention maybe our bed was being evil because his back hurt too but I didn’t whine or complain, I just tried to crack my back.

I’m looking forward to my mini vacation to Chicago, I bet Chris is too. It will be really nice to have some quality time with my girl Sarah. Chris can have quality time with his xbox.

Today I’m going to attempt to transplant my rose bush into a bigger pot so that it will hopefully last longer than they usually do and this year we are going to bring it inside when the cold weather hits, assuming I don’t kill it during the summer. I do not have a green thumb to speak of but I’m trying to learn to take care of plants and flowers better. Someday when we have a house I want to plants flowers and have a vegetable garden so I need to learn to get dirty.

I also need to practice my violin. I had a busy weekend and went for coffee with a friend yesterday so I didn’t get it out. This week I need to get it out more and do some practicing. I’ll never learn to play the thing if I don’t practice. It is so beautiful and I really want to learn.

I should also do my back stretches because my back is still bothering me a little. I’m not complaining. Just saying. I need to follow doctors orders or else I’ll need to do physical therapy if it doesn’t get better.

Chris told me what I’m getting for Mother’s Day. I simply cannot wait. I’m spoiled. That’s why I’m not going to whine or complain anymore.

Didn’t sleep well last night. Woke up at 2 am and had bad dreams all night after that while I tossed and turned. No good at all. I was recently informed that Lithium may help regulate my sleep, so I am now even more eager to get started on that plan. Just a few more days. This medication I’m on now doesn’t seem to be helping at all. I need my sleep. I feel like absolute crap.

I did survive the baby shower this weekend. Everyone seemed pleased and the food was good. I ate way too much. I just couldn’t stop myself. I just ate and ate. I hate this new med. This week I’m starting a coffee and water diet. I’m going to do as many crunches as I can handle because my belly is getting huge and I’m getting a tattoo on my hip and I want to show it off. I got skinny once, I refuse to let my self go just because food tastes good and I really like soda pop. I’m even going to drink my coffee black from now on. There. Take that flabby belly. Away with you!

Now if I could just find a way to be happy with my hair that didn’t involve a half hour with the curling iron. I may just be screwed on that one. I really want to put my dreads back in but the hubby doesn’t really care for them and my hair is a bit long for them I think. If the hubby didn’t hate them and they didn’t wreck my hair I’d be tempted to trim my hair to a reasonable length for wearing them again. That is how much I miss them. That is saying a lot. I’ve been trying to grow my hair out for over a year now and I think it has just stopped growing. Like it just only gets so long and then says “hey, this is as long as I get”.

Well he is still playing his video game and I still feel like crap so I guess it’s time to get my kindle and read my book until I feel better or I’m dragged out of the house to be productive.

I have tons to do today and it is a good day for it. I woke up early and full of energy. I’ve got my coffee already because Miss Mary asked me to set it up so she could have coffee to take to school. It was nice to wake up to the smell of fresh brewed coffee. She’s definitely mine, that one.

My back is doing much better. The Dr did some adjustments and gave me some exercises to do and those have been helping. My spine is just a little tender now, not nearly as bad as it was. I was really worried that something serious was wrong but now I think it is going to be fine.

We have busy weekend ahead of us and I have all kinds of little things to do today to get us ready for it while my honey is at work. We are leaving for Portland when he gets home and I plan to have things all ready. House all cleaned, present wrapped, bag packed and animals all taken care of. I can be a good little wife. I really can be. I can get things done, especially on days like these. I should even have time to get in some time to practice my violin.

I’m getting excited about my new tattoos. I can’t wait until I have the funds to get them started. One of them involves getting my friends to send me stars they have drawn for it and I can’t wait to see what they send me. So far the people Ive heard from like my idea and sound excited about it so I really can’t wait to see what they send me. I think it is going to be a beautiful piece of work. The first one I’m getting is my fleur de lis on my left hip and when I get that one I’m having a song lyric added above the “chris” tattoo I had put on my right hip. Chris is picking out the lyric from the list we are making and I’m going to have him write it out so it matches his writing, like the one that is already there. He has picked out some really great lines to pick from. I’m also thinking of adding a line underneath my “friend tree”, but I haven’t decided for sure, maybe “You get what anybody gets, you get a lifetime”. I think that would be appropriate. Yeah, I do kind of like the idea being a walking wall of graffiti.

My honey bought me a new dress. I felt a need and he satisfied it. He spoils me. I don’t deserve it. I have all these cute shoes and not enough cute dresses to go with them. I hope it is nice enough this weekend to wear it. I’m taking it anyway. I’ll pack one of my long sweaters just in case. I’m a long sweater kind of gal so it will work. It will be really perfect when summer comes. I’m going to keep my eyes peeled for more cute dresses. I also tried on my two piece bathing suit and I don’t look awful in it which was a great start to my day the other day. between my super cute belly ring and the tattoos I’m going to have I should look pretty darn cute this summer soaking up the sun at the pool this summer. I need more sun. I’ll be soaked in sunblock because I’m allergic to the sun, my skin hates it, but I need it. I would try and tan but I look awful when I try to. I gave up when I was a teenager, I get these horrible blotchy patches on my skin.

Time for more coffee. Always time for more coffee. Lately if I don’t stay caffeinated I just start to fade around 3pm. I’ll need an energy drink on our way out of town tonight.

Seems I have to be careful when I blog. I’m back of course. I can’t stay trapped inside my own head for long, not these days.

I don’t give my husband enough credit for what he puts up with. To be fair it isn’t easy being the crazy person in the relationship either.

I’ve officially decided I’m done with my old Dr. Mr. “I’m going on vacation but no one will be here to take care of my patients while I’m away”. At my next appt with my new Dr. I’m going to make sure she can keep me on as a regular patient. She kind of just saw me in an emergency and she has been great and thorough and draining my bank account so I imagine she’ll be fine keeping me. I’m also going to be done with this new medication once I go see her next and explain the problems I’m having. We already have a plan in place and she has my bloodwork to start me on Lithium. I’m nervous about it but I’m told it can be a great drug. I have to try something. This isn’t working and when something isn’t working you move on to the next thing.

My back has been bothering me since Sunday and it is getting worse. I have an appt with my family dr tomorrow. Hopefully its no big deal, just a muscle strain I hope. I’ve been taking stuff and putting ice on it, but my spine is real tender and my whole back is really sore and I haven’t done anything that I can think of.

Before my back started hurting I had a nice time out in Pinckney visiting one of my best girls Kayla. I drove all the way out there myself and got to see her and the kids and got to visit with Kayla and Sean. It was nice. Marley had pictures that she drew for Chris that are up on the fridge. I got hugs from Marley but Mercy played hide and seek and crawled away giggling “never!”It was adorable. Ambrose is handsome as ever and was polite but hid in his room like the teenager he is. It was a nice a visit.

Yesterday I saw my therapist and it was mostly useless. I got the “don’t call yourself crazy” lecture. I’m sick, not crazy. Yeah, Ok, fine.  I told her how impulsive I’ve been. I couldn’t show her the one tattoo I got but I told her about it and she actually asked if I was upset that I ended up with extra tattoos. I actually laughed at her and proceeded to explain my next two tattoos to her. She is truly baffled by me. I’ve had therapists before that were not shocked by my appearance before but never had one so intrigued before. I’m like a museum exhibit to this woman. She needs to get out more. Oh and I get so tired of having to explain that wearing black is not so unusual. I don’t show up in full goth attire, I just have an all black wardrobe. Maybe it’s the boots. I must have thrown her off yesterday wearing a grey and black striped dress and wedge heels. Yes I can dress like a normal person. I just don’t have a lot to work with.

Speaking of clothes and dresses, I need more dresses. I’m coming up short. I need more summery dresses. I have plenty of black ones but they are more for dressy occasions and I want some for just everyday wear. They are just so damn expensive. The really cute ones at least. I have cute shoes to wear even just not the cute dresses to wear with the cute shoes. I think I’m having another Girl Moment.

I need more iced coffee. I’m not ready to face the internet and all the bad news all over it yet.

Maybe I’ll blog again, and maybe I won’t. Seems I don’t really know what’s going on anymore.

Happy Birthday Robert Smith!